It is no secret that I do a lot of self reflection and contemplating. Sometimes this is to my detriment as I (like many others) critique myself rather harshly.
I recently have been giving a lot of thought about where my life is and where I want to be headed. I really don’t like the feeling that I am being led around minute by minute a slave to appointments and time. Rather, I like to feel that events are planned and coordinated rather than “gosh! now I gotta do this. check. now onto this. etc….”
With 17 kiddos at home, it can be challenging to be organized enough and prepared enough for the day. Some days I feel like everything is going wrong. Here let me give you a couple of examples. First, we just found out one of our kids had a friend put a tattoo on them. We have 10 therapy appointments a week and sometimes a child likes to exaggerate events that take place in our home. Some days I get too many emails from teachers that are doing their best to understand a child and are having no success. Kids that get up during the night and eat a lot of the food from the fridge or in the cupboards. One even took a complete can of frosting and ate that and hid it in someone else’s bed. (Notice I said in not under). Then, you add this all together with children who can’t sleep, cold season, and “normal” every day child/teen behaviors. (this and more occurred just yesterday)
Now, I don’t write this stuff for people to feel sympathy or to get attention. I just want you to know that it is times like this that I do most of my contemplation. Sometimes, it is a heartfelt “how am I going to do this?”. I also waiver with who do I help first and what needs addressed immediately. Often (too often for me) I beat myself up over not catching things sooner, not being more aware, and feeling not equal to the tasks before me. I am too tired. I am too overwhelmed. I am too……something.
It is times like this that my faith plays a big part. When I feel overwhelmed and discouraged, I remember the atonement of my Saviour, Jesus Christ. I remember how He felt and experienced everything I will ever go through. He paid the ultimate price for me so I could return to Him again. He knows me. He can help me.
I kneel down to pray. I open my heart and mind to the one who knows me the best. I not only talk to Him but I listen as I feel the peace, comfort and love that comes with feeling the spirit.