Thilltribe

the grass isn't greener

an emotional week

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I have had an amazing and devastating week.

To start, my sweet friend Anne and her 2 granddaughters, were in a car accident. an impaired driver ran a red light. Anne passed away on Sunday (the day of the accident) and 8 year old Emily succumbed to her injuries Thursday morning of the same week.

Tuesday, was my last day teaching my kinders.

Wednesday was the graduation of 3 of my sons, Jonathan, Andrew and Nathan.

Thursday,we found out Emily had gone to live with her Heavenly Father.

Thursday was also my last day at school.

My emotions were all over the map. I was elated, crying, shocked, happy, sad, in disbelief, amazed, proud, overwhelmed and grief stricken. I was joking that my brain did not know how to process all of the emotions I was feeling. I would use randomly start crying. It was a rough week emotionally.

Now, I have had a little time to process a bit. It has been almost a week ago that everything happened.  I still have all of those emotions but they have evolved.

I am still in shock and disbelief. We will be traveling to the funeral this week. I am flooded with memories. Some of my boys as young kiddos. Some of Emily from the time she was born until now. The times I talked to Anne and received her comfort, support and understanding.

I have even had some unbelievably selfish thoughts. One of which is…”How will I feel about finding joy at Disneyland again?” “Will I be able to laugh and not feel bad that my sweet girl is not there?” I am sure I will have a few thoughts like this but overtime, the sadness will be replaced with joy for having these precious people in my life for the time I did.

Dr Suess has a wonderful quote,”Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.”

My next thoughts have led me to better myself. When my time  or when one of my children’s or spouse comes. Where do I want to be? Spiritually, Mentally, Physically? I have made some significant changes in my life lately. It has been a wonderfully eye opening experience. I have felt so strengthened and uplifted by what has transpired the  past week.  I have decided that I have been lazy in my approach to what I have been taught and shown. I am determined to continue the journey which I am on.

My 3 boys…

One son already moved out and the other 2 will follow later this summer. While I will joke about finally having some space empty in my home, I will miss each of those boys. I am grateful to be their mom. While we have had some struggles I realize, there is nothing more important than my family.

Now, as I am writing I am beginning to cry again. I realized I haven’t really addressed all of my feelings about losing these 2 remarkable people. But, I guess that is how grief works. I will be okay and then a thought occurs and I will be sad for a time. Then I will be surprised that I am smiling.Only to then feel somewhat guilty for doing so. Yuck!

Out of the many lessons I have learned this week, this is the most amazing one. I have been reminded of the Lord’s plan for us. I have been reminded the Plan of salvation is true. I have been reminded of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I know I am lead by a living prophet on this Earth. (You should have seen the broadcast on Sunday!) I know that families are eternal when blessed through the proper priesthood authority. I know the Temple is the House of the Lord.  How do I know? Because I asked. then, I asked again and again. When I doubted, I asked again. I know that I belong to the true and living Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I look forward to the day I will see miss E and Anne again as well as all of my family and friends that have gone before me.

“God Be With Us till we Meet Again.”

picture: Kelli, Josh and Emily with our family

How do I love thee? a modern tale

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I wrote my husband a quick note of appreciation today and it really made me stop and think. So…here it goes!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love that you do laundry. willingly!

I love the way you sleep with your arms all tucked up.

I love the way your blue eyes look into my hazel ones.

You willingly do your share  more than a person should.

I love the way you laugh when someone starts laughing at something you say.

You are incredibly quick witted. It is fun to see you have a response before the person is even finished speaking.

Flowers are appreciated and every couple of weeks a new bouquet graces our counter, without me buying them.

You turn on the heater on my side of the bed well before I climb into it.

You think about ways to make my life better/easier.

You really listen to all of my rambling. I say my hands are cold and a new pair of gloves show up, for example.

You set up a spreadsheet or type computer things for me whenever I ask or you offer BEFORE I ask.

You make dinner every.single.night.

You don’t complain about my long hours, the work I do when I get home or me reliving my day.

You fill up the gas in my car when you get in and see it is lower than full.

You get me a Culver’s hot fudge sundae, because I need one every once in awhile.

You listen to my wild dreams and figure out ways to make them come true.

You love our children.

You love our grandchildren.

You look for ways to help people.

You listen to our older kids talk about their work day.

You video chat with our grandsons every day.

You gave me the opportunity to have you for eternity. That will be the easiest task I have been asked to do.

Really…the list could continue on for pages and pages.

That is how much you do for me.

Most important, you love me for me. My weight doesn’t matter. My grumpiness (while not pleasant) doesn’t alter your love. You support, strengthen and encourage me to dream big. You help me to realize I have value. I am worth your love and devotion.

I am so incredibly blessed we met at the airport almost 27 years ago. It started as pen pals and has continued to a wonderfully amazing life.

So, how do I love thee? There are too many ways to count. 

Step into the light

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A friend made a comment a couple of weeks ago about how we are attracted to light.

I have been pondering over this thought since she said it.

Light, light, light. I see it all around me.

Light is hope, light is security and light is within us.

I seek out the light like an insect does. I am drawn to it. Whether it is in the sky, in a person or in the lights that dot the nighttime around our neighborhood. I have always loved Christmas Lights. What is not to love right? Especially when they are blanketed with snow. But, I have drawn to them for a different purpose this year…they are light.

This year I am pondering the Light of Christ. I am again drawn to the Light He provides. Too often I feel darkness encroaching upon my life. I am overwhelmed with children’s choices. I am drained by the filth all around. I get caught up in what is going wrong rather than right.

My heart and mind are often deceived by feelings of inadequacy and non existent self esteem. I often struggle to pull myself out of the black tar of injustice, depression, anger and perceived hurt. Sometimes, I feel there is nothing I am doing right or good enough. I feel like I am drowning in darkness.

Then, I know I am going to make it through when I see or feel a small glimmer of light. Too often we don’t allow ourselves the time we need to seek out that light.

The Light of Christ is always within us but we do have to work to feel and see it.

The adversary loves to distract us from our goal of having the light with us constantly. We are  consistently bombarded with things that detract from the goodness of the Lord.

When we do things that push us forward into the Light we have less cause for despair, anger and hurt. We instead are able to be focused and centered on that which is most important.

This is why we are drawn to the Light of those around us and the physical lights that help us to find our way in the darkness. If we continue to allow the small glimpses of Light to guide us, we will be able to enjoy more and more of the Light of Christ.

Regardless of religion, we all deserve to have light with us to guide us through the trials and hardships of life.

Where and how to you seek light? 

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