Thilltribe

the grass isn't greener

Mid life Crisis??

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I have thinking about changes I could be making in my life lately. You know, I really think you get to an age and you start contemplating how can my life be better. Am I living it the way that I want it to be?

Some people may react in a certain way and call it a “mid life crisis”. I am going to to call it a mid life evaluation.

I am not really in crisis mode but I am in a serious contemplation about who I am and where I want to be.

I had the opportunity to go to a different church today. It was wonderful. I felt the spirit. The tone was welcoming. The feel was uplifting. The music was enjoyable. There was so much going for this place. The thought crossed my mind “I could go to church here”.

I quickly had a few realization related to MY feelings and MY testimony. Being a member of  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints isn’t always easy. There are sacrifices to be made and it can be difficult to live in the world but not be “part” of the world. It is a church that can require much of its patrons. However, it also provides so much for me as well. It also gives me incredible strength, comfort and peace in  world that can be confusing. It has allowed me to look out side of myself and think about the lives of others.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has not only gifted me with an incredible life on this Earth, I have been given a promise of a eternal principles and ordinances.

I was reminded today that the knowledge of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a wonderful blessing. It isn’t an easy path I have chosen. I can be ostracized, made fun of, dismissed, mocked etc…but the love, compassion and understanding I have gained has completely changed my life. I am a completely different person thanks to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

There is no reason for me to have a mid life crisis. I have built my foundation upon the sure foundation of our Lord and Savior. So, when my life feels in crisis, I turn to my Heavenly Father for added strength and guidance.

How grateful I am to be reminded of this in such a sweet and powerful way! I was also very blessed to hear some amazing things going on in our community.

Have a great week!

an emotional week

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I have had an amazing and devastating week.

To start, my sweet friend Anne and her 2 granddaughters, were in a car accident. an impaired driver ran a red light. Anne passed away on Sunday (the day of the accident) and 8 year old Emily succumbed to her injuries Thursday morning of the same week.

Tuesday, was my last day teaching my kinders.

Wednesday was the graduation of 3 of my sons, Jonathan, Andrew and Nathan.

Thursday,we found out Emily had gone to live with her Heavenly Father.

Thursday was also my last day at school.

My emotions were all over the map. I was elated, crying, shocked, happy, sad, in disbelief, amazed, proud, overwhelmed and grief stricken. I was joking that my brain did not know how to process all of the emotions I was feeling. I would use randomly start crying. It was a rough week emotionally.

Now, I have had a little time to process a bit. It has been almost a week ago that everything happened.  I still have all of those emotions but they have evolved.

I am still in shock and disbelief. We will be traveling to the funeral this week. I am flooded with memories. Some of my boys as young kiddos. Some of Emily from the time she was born until now. The times I talked to Anne and received her comfort, support and understanding.

I have even had some unbelievably selfish thoughts. One of which is…”How will I feel about finding joy at Disneyland again?” “Will I be able to laugh and not feel bad that my sweet girl is not there?” I am sure I will have a few thoughts like this but overtime, the sadness will be replaced with joy for having these precious people in my life for the time I did.

Dr Suess has a wonderful quote,”Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.”

My next thoughts have led me to better myself. When my time  or when one of my children’s or spouse comes. Where do I want to be? Spiritually, Mentally, Physically? I have made some significant changes in my life lately. It has been a wonderfully eye opening experience. I have felt so strengthened and uplifted by what has transpired the  past week.  I have decided that I have been lazy in my approach to what I have been taught and shown. I am determined to continue the journey which I am on.

My 3 boys…

One son already moved out and the other 2 will follow later this summer. While I will joke about finally having some space empty in my home, I will miss each of those boys. I am grateful to be their mom. While we have had some struggles I realize, there is nothing more important than my family.

Now, as I am writing I am beginning to cry again. I realized I haven’t really addressed all of my feelings about losing these 2 remarkable people. But, I guess that is how grief works. I will be okay and then a thought occurs and I will be sad for a time. Then I will be surprised that I am smiling.Only to then feel somewhat guilty for doing so. Yuck!

Out of the many lessons I have learned this week, this is the most amazing one. I have been reminded of the Lord’s plan for us. I have been reminded the Plan of salvation is true. I have been reminded of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I know I am lead by a living prophet on this Earth. (You should have seen the broadcast on Sunday!) I know that families are eternal when blessed through the proper priesthood authority. I know the Temple is the House of the Lord.  How do I know? Because I asked. then, I asked again and again. When I doubted, I asked again. I know that I belong to the true and living Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I look forward to the day I will see miss E and Anne again as well as all of my family and friends that have gone before me.

“God Be With Us till we Meet Again.”

picture: Kelli, Josh and Emily with our family

Kids smartwatches

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I have looked these smartwatches for kids and I have been so intrigued.

GPS kids smartwatch

I have thought maybe they are a waste of money but, I  also love the accessibility to my kids and knowing where they are.

Do you find your kids call you a lot?

Do they work like you think they would?

Hmmm…..let me know.

“I AM”

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The last two weeks I have been focusing on what I am not what I am not. I have too much negativity in my self talk. So, I am in the process of creating a vision board and self-talking positivity. You know what, it is making a difference.

I am feeling more calm, peaceful and centered than ever before. I alway thought self talk was hookey. You know right up there with acupuncture, mindfulness, astrology…you know, you believe what you believe right?

I am finding out my brain is my most powerful weapon in helping to uplift and focus on what is most important.

Heavenly Father sure knew what He was doing as he brought certain people into my life when I needed them most. 2 weeks ago, that is just what He did again.

I have no illusions that change is difficult and it takes a long time but, I am finding I am willing to put in the time for myself. I am worth every minute of my time.

What are your “I am’s”? It is harder than you think to believe what you say. I learned that I must say it out loud and if I can look at myself in the mirror-bonus points!

Think about your purpose, your value, your mission and be brave as well as strong enough to figure out what it is. What does He need you to be?

Birth parents and Me

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So, my son Jacob was married on Saturday! All about that is in another post.

What I wanted to work through were my feelings on having his birth family in attendance.

Disclaimer: I knew they were going to be there. Jacob kindly asked our permission before they were invited.

I had no reason to worry or be upset by his BM coming. It was for him and that was fine with me.

They were in attendance and they were incredibly kind and gracious.

It was really hard to see his bio siblings upset. At first, they started crying, were angry and upset. (Their ages are 17,16&13 )  Then, they were resentful of certain requests. (i.e., family pictures)  It wasn’t an easy time.

However, as the day progressed they were getting a little more relaxed and handled the tummy family better.

Then came the daddy daughter dance. I was asked to dance with Jacob for a mother son dance. Of course, I was thrilled but what happened next was really what made me grateful for so many reasons. This boy. The one who disliked me for years. The one who fought against the rules. He left a few times. This boy was angry about his circumstances and I was an easy target. This boy who valiantly fought against all that was good. He took me in his arms, started and crying and told me how much he loved me. How thankful he is that I am his mom.

Halfway through the dance, I invited him to dance with his birth mom. He politely declined and danced the whole dance with me.


So, I was okay with everything up until a certain point. There were some things that went on that were very hard for me to deal with. It really was okay but for some reason it grated on me a bit.

I guess the point of this is that I survived. I thought I would feel insignificant.I thought I would feel challenged. I thought I would feel that I wasn’t his mom. I was so scared that I wouldn’t measure up. I built this moment up in my head. I made myself out to be less than I am. My son sure showed me though. He showed me how much love and respect he has for me and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. He helped me to realize I have worth and value in his eyes. What mom could ask for more?

 

Here are some pics for your viewing enjoyment:

 

You asked about qualities of my children.

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Sorry, I couldn’t put the whole question in the title. Erik asked, “What are the qualities of each of your children you admire?”

Rather than go through each and every child, I know the one quality they all share that I admire.

Resilience!

My children have been through many experiences most adults don’t have to deal with. Many happened before they were 5. Not only have they had trauma (which varies with each one), they have been removed from the very people who were supposed to keep them safe.

They have had to adapt to new smells, new routines, people,  beds, clothes, schools, language, food, sounds and environments. They have had to change parents, birth order and more.

My children have had to become someone else’s child. How hard that must have been and continues to be for them.

If nothing else, they are resilient. They have done their best to let go of the past, trauma and realize life moves forward.

Are they perfect? No way! Like me they continue to make mistakes and have to make changes. This is the quality I think about most in regards to my children as a whole.

They have so many unique and individual qualities, I could go on and list them all day long. They are each an amazing asset to our family. While I never imagined I would still be actively parenting children, I can’t imagine my life without each and every one of them. They are my heart and my life.

To see them have joy brings me joy, to see them suffer makes my heart hurt so much. I am grateful for the opportunity to bring each one of them into my life.

You asked….

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So, I have thought a lot about writing answers to the questions I am most asked.

So, welcome to my first series entitled “You asked…._________”

It is really easy to participate. You just have to ask a question and either John (if I can finally get him too) or I or both of us will answer.

Well….let the games begin.  Ask away readers. Ask away!!

How do I love thee? a modern tale

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I wrote my husband a quick note of appreciation today and it really made me stop and think. So…here it goes!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love that you do laundry. willingly!

I love the way you sleep with your arms all tucked up.

I love the way your blue eyes look into my hazel ones.

You willingly do your share  more than a person should.

I love the way you laugh when someone starts laughing at something you say.

You are incredibly quick witted. It is fun to see you have a response before the person is even finished speaking.

Flowers are appreciated and every couple of weeks a new bouquet graces our counter, without me buying them.

You turn on the heater on my side of the bed well before I climb into it.

You think about ways to make my life better/easier.

You really listen to all of my rambling. I say my hands are cold and a new pair of gloves show up, for example.

You set up a spreadsheet or type computer things for me whenever I ask or you offer BEFORE I ask.

You make dinner every.single.night.

You don’t complain about my long hours, the work I do when I get home or me reliving my day.

You fill up the gas in my car when you get in and see it is lower than full.

You get me a Culver’s hot fudge sundae, because I need one every once in awhile.

You listen to my wild dreams and figure out ways to make them come true.

You love our children.

You love our grandchildren.

You look for ways to help people.

You listen to our older kids talk about their work day.

You video chat with our grandsons every day.

You gave me the opportunity to have you for eternity. That will be the easiest task I have been asked to do.

Really…the list could continue on for pages and pages.

That is how much you do for me.

Most important, you love me for me. My weight doesn’t matter. My grumpiness (while not pleasant) doesn’t alter your love. You support, strengthen and encourage me to dream big. You help me to realize I have value. I am worth your love and devotion.

I am so incredibly blessed we met at the airport almost 27 years ago. It started as pen pals and has continued to a wonderfully amazing life.

So, how do I love thee? There are too many ways to count. 

the old people?

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I had a few thoughts on Sunday evening that I have pondered and wanted to share.

For the last 15 years, Christmas Eve has been spent with our dear friends Adam and Kenice Whitaker. We have gathered together, had dinner, played the left/right game and had many laughs.

Over the years, as expected, our families have changed a lot. We started with 7 kids between us. As I sat and watched this year, 2017, I noticed we have grown to a family group of 32.

While pondering the group all around me, I realized that we were the parents of the group. We were the “old” people. I was watching the married kids talking and laughing about silly stuff. I remember when we were the silly laughing group.

This time, we were just the observers of the conversation. Of course, we were still having fun, included, laughing and talking but the next generation had become the center.

I am not sure if I am saying this correctly but I guess I realized that some of my children are adults. They have full lives that don’t revolve around me anymore. More and more I am trying to revolve around them. I am trying my best to still be an important part of their lives.

They are the generation that is going forward in faith. They will become the center of their siblings lives. They will be having these dinners without us someday.

However, for now, I am grateful to be in their universe. I am grateful watching them laugh, joke, hug and talk. there is such a satisfying joy in knowing my children are talking to each other, encouraging each other and supporting each other the best way they can.

One day, they will be sitting on the outskirts watching their children. I hope they will smile and say, “mom was right. This is one of the best parts of parenting.”

 

GOALS

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I am terrible at setting goals. I do great with them in my mind but I don’t like to write them down because then I feel more committed. I guess I should say, I feel more like a failure when I don’t complete them.

So this year, I decided to take a different approach. I wrote down 19 things that I wanted to improve on during the month.

Each day that I complete them, I will be able to color in a box, check it off or whatever…

This way, I am keeping track of where I am at and how I did day to day.

I am going to try this for a few months and then allow myself to tweak it if need be. So, I took a picture so you could see my goal sheet. I created it on excel focus areas. It wasn’t hard.

I think this will make me more aware of my habits and then I will be able to analyze where I can improve.

As you read these you can see some of my goals.

What are some of yours?

 

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