Jealous much?

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The truth hurts sometimes and the truth is I can be jealous of you.

It is nothing you do personally, it becomes the comparing game and once in awhile jealousy sets in.

I am jealous of your hair, your outfit, your clean car. I rarely feel “put together” so seeing others being trendy it Reminds me of where I lack.

I am jealous of clean house, beautiful yards and no drawing on your walls. I was cleaning one of my boys’ bedroom and I found they have been peeing on the carpet. You know, because the bathroom across the hall is to far too walk. 🙂 I swear there is not one wall in my home without something wrong with it. Whether it is a hole, has food splattered on it or has an artistic expression of butts drawn in various mediums.

I am jealous that you have time to craft, travel, take vacation, read a book, enjoy a movie, or use the restroom.

I am jealous you have time to exercise, eat well, grocery shop and relax. I exercised for 6 weeks and I felt great. The downside? I had to get up at 4:45 am to do it. That is literally the only time I have to exercise.  I’m trying to eat right but I am so stressed about so many things food is an easy retreat.

I know this is the stage I am at in my life. I am aware I made different choices than you.

Today, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. These are the days I am really jealous.

You seem to have it all together. You don’t have to worry about taking 17 kids to church and how you are going to keep them reverent and quiet. You don’t have to worry about them running away when you get mad or not mad. You don’t have to worry about their trauma triggering other traumas in other kids. You don’t have to worry about meds and if everyone is at the right doses. You don’t have to monitor behaviors, get neuropsychological evaluations, meet with the team at school every 5 weeks, answer unending emails from teachers about behaviors.

You don’t have the joy of people thinking you are making excuses for your children’s behavior.  People who critique your lifestyle either because you have a lot of kids, you don’t discipline them correctly or who knows why.

You don’t have to worry about what vacations do to your child. What a small change in routine does. You don’t need to worry about trying to make memories and find joy amid the yelling and arguing that inevitably take place because they are in the unfamiliar. So, I have to say I am jealous of your cute vacation pictures. I am jealous of the happy vacations you experience.

The fact is I am jealous of you for so many reasons.

When the jealousy gets really bad, I think about all I do have.

I try and focus on the good I have in my life. I try to not be so self absorbed. I try to remember you have your challenges too.

I try and remember the plan of happiness and not the plan of easiest travel.

I just hope people remember while I chose this life and these children, we didn’t choose the traumas and behaviors. Many of my kiddos didn’t even have these behaviors once upon a time.

I also try and remember how much I am loved and how much support, strength and encouragement I get from my friends.

So sometimes I vent, sometimes  I roll my eyes, I sigh, I look exasperated, tired or overwhelmed.

But most of the time I smile because I am glad to be me.

So please forgive the jealousy. Please forgive me when I become overwhelmed and say things that I shouldn’t. Please forgive my hardheartedness.

My day is fraught with trials and struggles just like yours. I am trying my best. I don’t need accolades. I just need a listener who doesn’t judge where I lack.

So, yes I am a little envious of the good things that go on in your life because that is what I see. I don’t see your trials or struggles. I wish we could all be honest with one another and post when  things are just not great. I would love if we would all answer honestly when asked how we are.

The thing is…I love my life. I love the hardships and the opportunities to progress. I love my dirty house. I love my husband and children.

I need to work on not comparing myself to others. I need to work on finding joy and happiness within myself. I can’t find it from outside sources. True happiness comes from within. True happiness can be felt anywhere at anytime.

John posted a sign on our door that says “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” I am choosing this day to find joy in my day without comapring myself to those around me. So that I won’t feel jealous, much.