I was sitting in church today listening to a mother talk about the joy of motherhood. I couldn’t help but feel bad.
My kids are sitting next to me telling me I am stupid, picking on each other, saying they hate me and so on. I am guessing you can imagine what is happening.:/
I couldn’t help but feel inadequate. I couldn’t help feeling overwhelmed and wondering what I was doing wrong.
I was sitting listening and on the verge of crying. I was sitting there thinking “i just can’t do this.” I get tired from disciplining, I get tired of policing my children. I am tired of not smiling. I am tired just plain tired.
I was thinking “I just can’t do this”.This seems to be one of my trials. Feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, feeling underappreciated and undervalued.
” I just can’t do this”. The thought keeps running through my head. Feelings of despair creep in as I realize I am doing so many things wrong.
I can’t possibly be what my kids need. I can’t possibly be what Heavenly Father needs.
Then, a ray of light enters into my mind.
My little baby reaches over and grabs my face, opens his mouth wide and plants a slobbery kiss on my face.
My three year old only wants me to carry her home from church. No one else will do. Only me.
One of my 16 yr old boys tells me that they love to talk with me because they can tell me anything.
One of my other kids says you are my best mom ever.
Then, I realize that I have let Satan grab a hold of what is most valuable and precious. I have let him determine who he thinks I should be.
I have forgotten my divine worth. I have forgotten I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and He loves me for me.
He didn’t put me here on this earth and with these kids because I was perfect. He put me here because the kids and I need each other. Heavenly Father sees perfection in me. He sees who I am and who I can become. He sees ME.
I am striving to be my best. I am striving. That is a great word…striving. It means I am reaching forward. It means I am moving in the right direction. It means I am trying my best to be my very best.
So, STRIVE. Be the best you can be for this minute, this hour, this day, this week….wherever you are.
Don’t allow negative thoughts. They are not from Heavenly Father. You are “engraven upon his palms”. He knows who you truly are. You can trust Him. He loves you for you even if you can’t yet. He has total confidence that you can withstand all that besets you and return to Him again.
Negative thoughts will never help you move forward and become who you are meant to be.
I never in my life did I see myself with the life I have now. I never thought I could handle having 20 kids. I clearly remember watching The Sound of Music as a kid. The family was so huge and I couldn’t even begin to imagine having that many children. Well, I have a few more than they did. Some days are harder than others. Some days are challenging, I am not gonna lie. I think Heavenly Father has given me what I need to deal with all that comes my way. I have complete trust and faith in Heavenly Father. I know He doesn’t make mistakes.
Comparing ourselves against perfection…well, we will always fall short. However, I like to compare myself to where I was a year ago, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 20 years and there is definite improvement.
I am still not sure how to handle the “natural” tendency I have for comparing myself. I am still not sure how to listen to talks explaining how wonderful and joyful motherhood should be and is. I guess, I am just going to strive to find the joy and wonder. I guess I am going to realize how grateful I am that women are finding joy in motherhood.
Don’t get me wrong….I find joy. I love my family very much. The day to day tediousness is just hard. Maybe one day I will share some of the things that are going on here daily but for now…
Love yourself. You are good. You are kind. You are loved.